``moments ``of ``waiting

Saturday, February 18, 2006

|2/18/2006 11:50:00 AM|

i am still awake and i have no idea what time it is already. i am having one of my insomnia attacks again and i have no idea why. this usually happens when i am depressed or if something is bothering me. well, i am not depressed and the only thing that is bothering me is how to get the heck out of the house. i was stuck in the house for two days straight and it looks like a third is going to be in place. dad already left for US last sunday and mom and kuya went to bicol last wednesday morning. the only ones left are ruby(our maid), lola, ate maan and i. the problem lies with my lola, i can't leave her alone with ruby as her only companion. she doesn't know how to do VS and first aid. of course, it's not as if something bad will happen but just to be on the safe side, someone has to look over her. and unfortunately, that is me. don't get me wrong, i love her just as much as i love my parents and brother, it's just that i really don't like getting stuck inside the house for days on end. it's going to drive me insane! (which is happening already.) ate maan goes to school and doesn't arrive home till' afternoon. even then, i can't go out coz' i have no one to accompany me. all of my friends have classes or duties. i asked uly last wednesday if he can go with me but unfortunately, he has to review his lessons for his midterms. sars did come over last wednesday night but i was still inside the house. i actually don't know when did i get this fidgety when stuck inside the house. i wasn't like this before. i mean, i can be stuck here for days on end and not give a single care in the world. maybe it's because of the fact that i am not going to school so i don't get to see the ray of light outside if i don't think of something to do outside. my head aches because of staring too much at the tv or computer screen and for not inhaling air from the outside. i was hoping that one of my friends will be available this coming saturday coz' there's an event happening in ust and i want to go. i am hoping that uly's free but he told me that he might be doing a case pres with his groupmates. sars will be going to eurostar with her friends. kharla has classes, i don't know about tensai. i just hope that one of them is free because i am desperate here! i need to go out! it's driving me crazy already! (actually, i am really hoping that uly is free XD)
but i know, me getting stuck in the house has nothing to do with me staying up until the wee hours of the morning. i don't know, i have the feeling that i am making myself be depressed on purpose. why? well, there's an absurd idead that crept in my head that said that when i am depressed i lose weight. and i lost weight last week because of anxiety and depression but that was justifiable because i thought that something is wrong between 'that someone special' and i. but now, there's nothing wrong. i did get a miracle, i am happy at the events that happened even though i got lectured for something that i did. (and i admit that it was wrong) i know he's not pissed at me and i don't have any problems with my friends. so why the hell did i get that notion? and me staying up late on purpose, even when my body is already telling me to stop and go to sleep is a sure sign that something is not right. what it is? i have no idea. maybe i am having a bullimia attack again? but i am not vomitting the food that i eat. it can't be anorexia because i am still eating although i feel like not eating before a meal. but once i sit down at the table, i still eat so that's not it. so what is it then? whatever it is, i know it's not healthy. *sighs* ok, i'll stop now and try to go to sleep.

[S]he [w]aited``
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